You’re getting married and making your wedding vows! Big step across a threshold of life. Congratulations! You and your future spouse will undoubtedly discuss whether you want to write your own vows. These are after all the promises you are making to each other, to God if you believe and maybe even to the family and friends who will likely be your support system even after you get married.
You might decide to write your own vows and share privately, before the wedding, in words or in a letter, or publicly with family and friends during the wedding ceremony.
Writing your own marriage vows is not easy, at least for most people. For some, it feels downright impossible to convey what’s encapsulated in the heart. I’ve been working with couples to put their love stories to words for 20 years. To customize the ceremony and to help each partner get their feelings in writing, I ask a series of questions.
You may need some time to think about them or sometimes it’s an immediate step in the right direction. Either way, jot down your first thoughts and let the mind work behind the scenes for a bit.
- How did you meet?
- What was your first impression?
- Describe your first date?
- Remember something they do that makes your heart sing or laugh so hard you cried.
- How did you know you were in love? Why is this your forever person?
- What was the proposal like?
- What do you admire/like most about your partner?
- What do you value/like to do in your free time?
- What are your dreams for the future together (think 5 years or more if you can).
Once you’ve got something to work with, sit down with your partner and decide a few things together: Will you simply share a love letter? Will you share your vows privately? Will you share your vows publicly? How long do you agree they should be? It might be a number of minutes, sentences, or paragraphs. What vibe or tone do you want to create? Will it be romantic, serious/solemn, spiritual, fun, lighthearted, funny, centered on a theme or a combination?
Revisit the questions and answers and what you’ve jotted down so far. You may be thinking “how will I put this together in a cohesive way? How will they sound or come across?” The key is to iterate – do a few revisions or versions and then choose one you most like. If your vows are for public consumption, I recommend sharing this version with a sibling, best friend or your wedding officiant. Ask for feedback. Your friends and family will tell you if they don’t ring right – as in this just doesn’t sound like something you would say. Additionally, your wedding officiant should have good suggestions since they hear personal vows very often. I offer all couples this service.
Sometimes I will suggest changes for you that to tighten up the speech – really, that’s what it is. Often, I see repetition which I try to reword or omit. If I ask for more details or the story behind something you wrote, it is to help your guests experience or feel your love. You may want to let everything, including the feedback, simmer, provided you have the time – and then edit once more before wedding day.
Decide with your partner if you will put your vows on notecards or in vow books. Your officiant should offer to put them on notecards provided they’re finished and sent in a timely manner. Some people want to use their smart device, but we don’t recommend it for many reasons: uncertain light and weather conditions, not looking down and craning your neck on a day when the cameras are focused on you, an unintended sound during your vows or ceremony, etc.
Last, try to have fun with the process. You will feel much more confident with your end product if you consider these suggestions. At the very least, you will have thought about the real reasons you are taking this very important step in your life. Sometimes, couples opt out from writing their own vows as they near the wedding day and defer to our sample vows. We offer 10 samples to choose from and you can repeat-after-me or simply say “I do”.
As it relates to all aspects of the wedding, the only real critical thing is that you have chosen the right person to be by your side.
Stacy Prouty, Non-denominational Minister
Say “I Do” on the SunCoast
941.356.3492
